


You Are Not Alone

by BlushingBlue



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (I guess?) - Freeform, Bad Sleeping Habits, Drug Use, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, ghost!evan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2018-12-22 20:45:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11974692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlushingBlue/pseuds/BlushingBlue
Summary: Before Senior Year begins, Evan Hansen succeeds in his suicide attempt, but that doesn't mean he can move on.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will feature a lot of dark themes that relate to suicide and mental health, so please be safe while reading this! Some of the events that take place in this will be based on true stories or thoughts.

Slipping back into the park after he clocked out was easy enough. His shift had ended an hour ago, easily, but Evan couldn’t really tell. He left his phone behind in one of the storage containers back at the Ranger Station. 

Evan loved trees. The trees couldn’t judge his quaking anxiety, couldn’t judge his fears. He felt stronger surrounded by them. He wasn’t quite sure what lead him to this particular tree, a tall oak, secluded away from the normal trails that the other Rangers took. 

Evan put his hands on the sturdy trunk of the tree, breathing in deeply, steeling himself as he reached for the lowest branch. 

It was a bit out of his reach, as oak trees tended to grow. He shimmied his body up on a thick knot in the trunk and scrambled up to a sturdy branch. He grinned triumphantly, sitting there for a moment.

Maybe the world would look better from up high? 

Well, he wouldn’t know until he tried, right? Evan made his way higher into the tree, pulling himself up with such practiced ease. All he could focus on was climbing and the desire to feel the setting sun warm his face. 

Branches towards the top were weaker, new growth. The branches were thinner, not meant to hold the weight of any sort of human, let alone one as tall as Evan. He paused in his climbing and sat on the sturdiest branch he could find. 

That’s when he looked down. 

The world looked so far away. There was a brief pang of fear of falling, but just as quickly that fear left him. Would dying really be so bad? 

His father hadn’t spoken to him in years, and his only friend wouldn’t even miss him. He wrote letters to Jared over the summer so far, and hadn’t received any in return. Beyond that, the only person would be…

His mother. 

His mother who was much better off without him. She was too kind to be saddled with such a burden. That’s all he was, wasn’t he? She worked so much and she had school, and then when she got home she had to deal with his mess. 

Would it even matter? Did _he_ even matter? 

He took a deep breath, leaning forward on the branch. He didn’t feel the fear he expected to feel, the fear of falling that he had experienced so many times before. So he leaned a bit more, looking at the ground through the branches and then he just…

Let go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan returns home from the park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters are short right now, but they'll get longer as I get used to writing again! This isn't beta'd.

When Evan woke up he couldn’t remember the fall. Not initially at least. The panic set in after that. He fell out of the tree! He pushed himself up, looking around. The sun had finally gone down and the forest was shrouded in darkness. He could barely see!

Even with the darkness of the forest, something felt… wrong, in a way. Evan frowned, trying to concentrate, but his head felt like it was full of cotton fluff, like he did when he first started medication. 

But there was something else, he couldn’t quite place it until he finally stood up. He leaned against the tree for a moment, shaking his head to try to clear some of the fuzziness away. He remembered how high he was before he fell - before he let go. 

Then, it clicked.

There was… no pain? He touched his body, checking for injuries. There had to be at least something? He couldn’t have survived that fall completely unscathed, but there was just… nothing? Evan huffed, pushing himself away from the tree. 

Well, he could probably just sneak back in without worrying his mother then. He didn’t know what time it was, anyway. It was completely possible his mother wasn’t home yet.

Evan couldn’t even get his phone. He couldn’t show up hours after he left for his phone! Evan didn’t know the overnight park rangers at all, he couldn’t just walk up and take his phone. He could always return tomorrow. 

It took Evan longer than he expected to leave the park. It was hard to see in the dark, but he slipped out unnoticed. The walk back home was familiar, though, and the further he got from the park, the more street lamps were evident. 

His mom’s car was in the driveway when he got back, but the house was quiet when Evan entered. He closed the front door softly behind him, walking through the living room and towards his mother’s room.

Their house was small, a little one story thing with thin walls, but his mother’s room was across the house from his. He peeked in, seeing his mother asleep. She looked exhausted, her uniform piled in a heap on the floor instead of in the basket like it normally was. 

He sighed, closing the door once again, and making his way through the kitchen and towards his room. He stopped in the kitchen on the way through to his room, seeing the light above the stove on. His mother only did that if he left a note, and he wandered over to the counter to find it.

> Evan --  
>  Make sure you eat a big breakfast! I saw the money still pinned to the fridge, so I know you didn’t eat! I have an early shift at work tomorrow, so I’ll be gone when you wake up. I’ll see you after school!
> 
> Have a good first day! I’ll call you, later! 
> 
> Love You!  
>  \- Mom
> 
> P.S. I reschedule your appointment with Dr. Sherman for today at 4 pm, I’ll pick you up! 

Evan sighed, finally checking the time on the stove’s clock. 1:14am glowed back at him. He shook his head, his mother would probably be awake soon. He grabbed the pen and scrawled a quick note underneath his mother’s handwriting

> Love you, too.  
>  \- Evan 

He grabbed a glass from the cabinet nearest the sink, filling it with water, and wandering the rest of the way to his room. He placed the glass on his bedside table for his pills in the morning and curled up on top of the covers, waiting for sleep to come.

Maybe tomorrow would be better?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'll try updating this daily. I'm trying to get used to writing again on a daily basis instead of waffling around doing nothing. Also I need to definitely get used to dialogue?? I've pushed Evan's fall closer to the start of school to aid the plot and even then we don't know exactly when he broke his arm I think! 
> 
> I haven't written fanfiction in actual years, so please be patient with me! Come say hi to me on [tumblr.](https://blushing-blue.tumblr.com/) I'll try to take requests, too, if anyone has any!


	3. Chapter 3

The morning did not start off very well for Evan Hansen. First, he woke up late. Half asleep, he scrambled out of the house towards the bus stop. He almost missed the bus, only stepping onto the stairs right as the door closed. 

 

He didn’t even remember to grab his backpack.

He settled into his normal spot, on the bus and no one bothered him. It had been the same as the 3 years previous, the same people living in his neighborhood. No one normally paid attention to him, anyway, but this morning in particular he was grateful. 

Second, when he had finally found Jared on the first day back, Jared wouldn’t even speak to him! 

His friend seemed to look right through him, like he wasn’t even there. He even tried calling out to him in the hall! But he quickly whipped his head around to make sure no one was staring at him. 

But no one had even looked at him. 

So he just followed Jared through the halls, dodging people as they walked at him. Was this some sort of prank?

Evan took a steadying breath. Maybe Jared set it up to make fun of him! 

It didn’t take long for Jared to stop in the halls, his family friend looked around before shrugging, eyes focusing on something else. “Heeey, Connor!” Evan froze for a moment, but he made his way towards Jared anyway, practically hiding behind him as he spoke to Connor Murphy. 

He didn’t really hear much of the exchange, not until Connor’s voice took on an angry edge “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” 

“You’re such a freak,” Jared snarked back, turning towards Evan and...

Walking right through him. 

Evan stumbled, falling to the floor as Jared walked away. Evan could feel his whole chest tighten. _What the fuck just happened?_

Wait, he hadn’t said that.

Evan’s head whipped up to look at the older Murphy child and starred the other. He couldn’t feel his breath quickening, panic nearly upon him. Several of the lockers near them slammed open, and Evan found himself scrambling away from them. 

Towards Connor. 

“He just walked right through you, what the fuck.” 

“I-I don’t know,” Evan clutched at his shirt, trying to calm the feeling in his chest. He could feel himself shaking. Connor reached out a hand to touch, to see if his own hand would clip through Evan’s skin, like a bad video game glitch. 

“Stop standing in the walkway, Connor and go to class,” Zoe snark as she walked by on the way to her own class. 

Connor flipped her off “Fuck you,” he snarled at her and she returned the sentiment just as quickly. He stalked off, leaving Evan behind in the exchange. Evan looked around and the halls had cleared, and a moment later the bell rang. 

Evan scampered to his first class quickly, standing outside the door for a moment. It was still open, the teachers lax for the first day just in case any students couldn’t quite find the room they belonged in. 

Evan slipped in quietly, sitting in a vacant chair towards the back of the room. 

He still wasn’t completely calm, but he wasn’t hyperventilating, so that was something, right? He just needed to focus on the teacher for role call. 

He listened intently for his name, and moments later it was called. He raised his hand, and muttered a small “here!” when she did. 

“Hansen?” She called again. “Evan Hansen?” 

“Here!” He called louder, but the teacher just shook head, marking something in the role book. What was happened? His breath quickened again, and he looked around at all the others in the room and back up to the teacher. 

He would just… talk to her after class. Maybe she just hadn’t heard him, maybe he hadn’t said it loud enough or raised his hand high enough. He tried to ignore the fact that Jared had literally walked through him - maybe he was remembering it wrong!

After all, Connor had talked to him, had reached a hand out towards him. He wasn’t invisible! Maybe he was still sleeping. This had to be some sort of horrible, anxiety induced nightmare fueled by falling out of a tree the day before. 

Every single class turned out the same way, and Evan was getting desperate. He had been marked absent in every single class, even though the was _right here_. He was still convinced it was a nightmare by the end of the day, but he trudged his way to the computer lab at the end day. 

He claimed a seat at the back of the room again. The computer screen flickered when he sat, but it worked well enough.

He started off typing an email to his mother informing her about his phone being left at work so she couldn’t call him and that he would go get it after the appointment with Dr. Sherman. 

He frowned, playing with the keys on the keyboard for a moment, waiting for an email back from his mother, and while he thought. He heaved a sigh and began his letter to himself.

>   
> Dear Evan Hansen, 
> 
> Today was a strange day. No one even looked at me today, even though I walked into class late or shouted that I was there. Not even the teachers! I’m not sure today was real, maybe I’m still dreaming, but I heard you couldn’t read in dreams?
> 
> The only one who seemed to notice me was Connor Murphy. Maybe if I could just talk to him, I could figure it out. Maybe not. 
> 
> I just have to work up the courage to try. 
> 
> Sincerely,   
> Me  
> 

He hit print, flipping back over to his email, looking for a response from his mother. The screen flickered again, and the computer shut down before he could read if he got anything. 

He pushed himself away from the computer, making his way towards the printer to grab his letter. 

Could this day get any worse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, there's dialogue now! Kinda. I'll get better at it. And! -jazzhands- 1000 words in a chapter! They're getting longer! If you have any questions, please comment or send me an ask on tumblr! You can find me [@blushing-blue](https://blushing-blue.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get out, and so short too. I came down with a bad cold and I'm still kind of fighting it off. I can't focus anymore on this so I figured I'd post it now and continue on later. Thank you for being patient as I recover ♥

Connor stood between Evan and the printer. 

Evan thought he was the only person in the computer lab. He didn’t expect anyone else, let alone Connor Murphy, to be standing in his way. There was a moment of silence between the pair as Connor sized him up. 

“Evan, right?”

“Evan…” 

There was a beat of silence between the pair before Connor huffed. “That’s your name, isn’t it?” he asked impatiently. Evan only nodded his head rapidly. His mouth felt to dry to speak, but he felt the need to apologize. 

Connor was obviously pissed off with him! He wasn’t sure what he had done, but surely it had been something, right? Maybe he bumped into Connor in the hall earlier? Maybe he’d accidentally taken his seat or, or-- 

“Hansen, what the fuck happened earlier? Fucking Kleinman literally ran through you, I saw it.” Connor was demanding, stalking closer to Evan as he spoke. 

Evan flinched back, stepping back towards the computer he was at. The computers around him flickered several times before turning off completely. Connor glanced over at the flickering screens before focusing back on Evan. 

“Is this some kind of joke? You’re playing a prank on me aren’t you?” The accusation was practically a snarl, Evan backed even further away. He shook his head rapidly, nonono why would he do that?!

“You set something up so that I would freak out!” 

Connor thrust his hands out, intending to shove the other boy. His hands sank through Evan’s chest. He didn’t _feel_ anything, particularly, but his hands were suddenly cold, like he plunged them into ice water instead of through the chest of the trembling boy before him. 

“What the fuck…” Connor said, ripping his hands away from Evan’s chest. Evan stumbled, falling through the table like a bad video game glitch. “What the fuck?” he repeated, looking down at his fingers. His hand still felt cold, but he could feel the life returning to them. 

His focus went back to Evan, who was stuttered out something or other. The other teen looked terrified, still half-clipped through the table.

“I don’t, I don’t know what’s going on. What’s happening to me, what’s--” 

Evan was hyperventilating. Well, at least, he was going through the motions of it. He didn’t feel lightheaded or dizzy like he normally did when he couldn’t catch his breath. He was trembling and Connor stood their watching him, shock still rather evident on his face. 

It took several moments for Evan to calm himself down, curling in on himself beneath the table, ducking so that he wasn’t halfway through it. 

“Are you… done?” Connor asked once the panicked breathing stopped. He stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do with the kid in front of him. 

Evan shook his head, then nodded. “Sorry, s-sorry,” He trembled a bit more, before crawling from under the table, and standing in front of Connor again. He hesitated, reaching out to touch the other boy but flinched away the last second. 

“Am I dreaming?” He asked out loud, not really directed at Connor or anyone else. “Maybe I overslept this morning and I’m still dreaming.” 

Connor snorted. “You’re not dreaming,” He said. “And besides, why the fuck would you be dreaming about me anyway?” 

Evan shrugged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a twitter if you wanna follow me to see when I'm writing, you can follow me [@blushing_blue](https://twitter.com/blushing_blue) or on tumblr [@blushing-blue](https://blushing-blue.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> Side note that I was scheduled for 50 hours this week, so I'll be updating once a week now, probably, on Saturdays?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Saturday update! I'm working on a few other fics as well, so look forward to those? Hopefully at least one will be posted this week.

“I died.” 

The words tumbled from Evan’s mouth before he even realized he was saying them, before he knew what they meant. Evan looked down at his hands. 

He looked real. He felt real, like flesh and blood, but anything he touched passed through him like he was made of nothing. He clenched his hands into fists, trying to stop the trembling. He squeezed his eyes closed, trying desperately to will away the shaking he felt in his whole body. 

“I died…” He said softer. “I’m dead, I actually…” He shook his head, the emotion fizzling away like a wet blanket over a fire. His emotions felt like they were at a distance, like he would have to reach through a solid object just to grasp them. 

He looked back at Connor, who was standing there with a bewildered look on his face. 

“What the fuck do you _mean_ by that?” Dead? He could see Evan standing right there! But… “This has to be some sort of sick, twisted prank.” Evan could see the anger bubbling up in Connor Murphy. 

Evan wrapped his arms around himself, uncertain again. He squeezed his arms and frowned. 

Connor didn’t even know why he was still standing here talking to this shaky kid. He turned, stalking away from the other. “Whatever,” he huffed, leaving the mess that was Evan behind. He didn’t really expect this kid to follow him though. 

“C-connor, wait!” Evan called after him. Connor walked faster, towards the back exit of the school towards the football fields. It was towards the end of the day anyhow, and no one would care that he was back here, but he could see the part of the gym class on the distant end of the field. 

Fortunately, the parking lot was right next to the field for when football season kicked off. No one wanted to park all the way across from the stadium after all, but it made getting to Zoe’s car much easier than if he’d gone out the front. 

Evan was still tailing him, and Connor could feel the rage bubbling at the surface. 

As soon as Connor was next to the car, he rounded on Evan. “Stop following me, Hansen. I don’t give a fuck what you have to say!” 

Evan flinched back and Connor used the opportunity to hop into the driver's seat. He pulled out the key - the car’s spare that normally stayed on the hook by the door unless Zoe locked her keys in the car - and started the vehicle. 

He didn’t expect Evan to hop in after him. 

Or it wasn’t actually hopping in. Evan tried to grab the handle before clipping through the door and stumbling into the vehicle. 

“Get out.” 

Connor’s voice was… mildly terrifying, to say the least. Evan could practically feel the anger. 

“Please, just - I can, I can _prove it_. Jus- Just listen to me please, you’re the only person who even _spoke_ to me today, you’re the only one who can _see_ me.” 

Connor was quiet for a moment, and Evan took that moment to try to sit in the seat properly like he had done on the bus that morning. Now that he knew he could phase right through things, his body didn’t seem to want to do the opposite. 

He concentrated for a moment and made a small sound when he finally was able to plant his body in the car’s seat rather that through it. 

“Fine. How are you going to prove this.” 

Connor looked tense, still shaking with barely contained rage, and Evan stared at him for a moment. “Um, sorry. I don’t know who else to ask…” Evan started. He watched Connor’s nails dig into the leather of the steering wheel. “Um, uh. D-drivetoEllisonStatePark?” 

“What.” 

“Um. We - uh - you’ll have to d-drive to Ellison State Park? Sorry!” 

Connor sigh, putting the car into reverse and backing out of the parking space. The drive wasn’t a long one, but it was silent the whole way. Evan quietly pointed out the employee parking lot. 

“And what if someone asks why I’m parked here, genius?” Connor huffed, pulling into the parking space anyway. Evan fidgeted with his shirt and remained quiet, brow furrowing. 

“Um - I left my phone here last night when I got off of work. Just. Um, you c-can say that I asked you to get it.” 

Connor shrugged, turning the car off and getting out. He immediately lit a cigarette, leaning against the car. Evan stood next to him, awkward and silent, while he smoked. Connor couldn’t find it in him to care. 

When he finished he crushed the cherry under his foot, turning to Evan. 

“So, lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: [blushing-blue](https://blushing-blue.tumblr.com/)  
> Twitter: [@blushing_blue](https://twitter.com/blushing_blue)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, my thoughts are kind of disjointed. This is a first draft though, and while I have the general idea of a plan, it can still change! Once I finish writing this, there will likely be a re-write of it? 
> 
> Sorry for being a little late uploading this, I fell asleep!

The walk was silent, and Connor found himself getting more annoyed by the minute. Evan was walking ahead of him - over a yard ahead of him. They’d been walking for over half an hour when Evan stops in front of a large oak tree. 

Connor looked up, wondering how high it was. He could see some branches that looked broken high up, like something fell from-- 

He followed the path down to the ground, stepping back once he saw where Evan had brought him. Evan was crouched near his body, body trembling. He could see Evan’s hands move to his mouth. 

Could ghosts cry? 

“Fuck,” Connor said. He shoved one of his hands through his hair, pulling harshly at once his hand reach the base of his skull. He took a deep breath, not realizing until that moment that he was shaking too. “Fuck,” He repeated. 

Connor stepped closer to Evan, pulling out his phone, dialing a number. Both he and Evan were shaking badly. His voice was shaking as he spoke to the police, reporting the body. He stuck his hand out towards Evan, trying to grab the ghost and pull him away from the body. 

Evan’s body was a lot more solid this time around, and Connor’s hand didn’t clip through. He could feel something under his hand, but nothing solid. Like he was pressing his hands against a gust of wind instead of a physical person. 

Still, it got the shaking boy’s attention. Evan flinched at the contact, scrambling away from his body. 

“The police are on the way,” Connor told him, puffing out a breath. He pulled out a cigarette, lighting with trembling hands and taking a drag. “We need to go back towards the lot to meet them.” 

Evan was silent the entire time, eyes wide, like he was sure this was a hoax. He numbly followed Connor back the way they came. 

The rest of the evening went by like a blur for the two. Evan stuck close to Connor, silent and hovering around him as Connor dealt with the police and his death in general. 

Evan wasn’t aware that he followed Connor so closely until they ended up back in Connor’s car on the way back to his place. It was dark before the pair got back, and Connor stomped into the house, ignoring his family at the dinner table. He ran directly to his room, slamming the door behind him. 

He winced, hearing a picture frame drop and shatter in the hall. 

“Why are you still following me?” Connor snarled at the ghost, and Evan shook his head, backing away. He faded a little, becoming more translucent. 

It only took a few minutes before Connor’s door was thrown open by none other than Larry Murphy. “Where the hell were you?” 

Connor had flopped onto his bed, head thunking against the wall. “Who cares?” He huffed. He could still see Evan out of the corner of his eye, though the ghost boy was pressed against the wall. 

“You _stole_ your sister’s car, you’re lucky we didn’t call the cops!” Larry was yelling, but Evan could tell he was trying to contain the anger, like he was trying to restrain himself against shaking Connor or worse. 

Connor mumbled something, looking at Evan directly, just so he could look away from his father. It didn’t help that Evan was practically cowering away from Larry, like the man could actually see the ghost boy. 

“Damnit, Connor!” Larry stalked closer to the bed. “You can’t just _do_ shit like this! You left your sister stranded at school! What are you trying to accomplish here!” Larry got louder as he went on. Connor watched Evan shrink further and further into himself in the corner, becoming more and more invisible, like he was trying to disappear. 

Connor felt like he was going to explode himself. Like if Larry moved any closer, he would shove him. 

“Answer me!” Larry yelled. 

The light above them shattered and the glass rained down to the floor, the room plunged into darkness. Connor flinched at the sound. It seemed to startle Larry and Connor out of their anger. 

Larry huffed. “You’re grounded until further notice. If the spare key isn’t where it's supposed to be by morning, your punishment will be worse.” 

Larry left the room, slamming the door behind him. Connor tucked into himself, screaming into his knees. 

“S-sorry,” Evan stuttered out, Connor’s attention refocused on him. “I didn’t mean to break your light.” Evan was quiet, stilled pressed towards the wall. “Is he always like that? He’s terrifying…” Evan was trembling and Connor could hear the hum of electricity in the walls grow louder for a moment. 

“I need a cigarette or a joint,” Connor huffed instead of answering Evan. He pulled awake from his knees, leaning over the side of his bed. He pulled up the vent gate, grabbing the stash there and walking towards the window. He could hear the glass crunch under his feet. 

Connor opened the window, sliding his body out onto the roof, settling himself on the window sill, legs splayed forward. He closed the window almost all the way, leaving enough to reopen the glass, and leaned against it. 

He wondered if Evan would follow him out here, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to keep a consistent upload schedule with this, but I'm going through a bad patch right now in terms of living spaces. My mother decided she was going to kick me out, but she's giving me some time to collect my things and leave, so we'll see how it goes! 
> 
> Come talk to me! You can find me in these places --  
> Tumblr: [blushing-blue](https://blushing-blue.tumblr.com/)  
> Twitter: [@blushing_blue](https://twitter.com/blushing_blue)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I keep posting at like 3am on Sundays, rofl. I'm sleep deprived hi

Evan was dead.

Evan was dead but he was still here, with only Connor to talk to. Why was he even here? Did this happen to everyone?

Did he have a purpose?

No, that was ridiculous. Why would anyone need _him._ He huffed out a small, self depreciating laugh and watched Connor instead. 

Connor fell asleep in the clothes he wore to school that day. He didn’t even climb under the covers, just flopping onto his bed and falling asleep where he landed. Evan hovered around Connor’s bed for a while. 

He wasn’t tired, not like he was yesterday. 

Maybe it was because he knew he was dead now, and was just going through the motions yesterday. Maybe it was something else.

It was closer to morning when Evan sat at the end of Connor’s bed, looking out the still-open window from the night before. He never really was up this early, not early enough to watch the sunrise at least. 

That was when Connor started jerking in his sleep, suddenly fitful. 

Evan wouldn’t have even noticed if he wasn’t sitting right there. Connor’s hand was covering his own mouth, a subconscious effort to stay silent. Evan could hear a quiet gasp, a choked sob. Connor trembled, curling in on himself. 

Evan was uncertain, shying away from the sleeping boy at first, watching the nightmare unfold. He was urged forward, though, at a particularly harsh sounding sob and Connor clutching his hair in a tight grasp. 

Evan shifted, hovering closer to the other boy. “Connor,” he called softly. “Connor wake up.” 

Connor flinched away from Evan, but remained asleep. He seemed to clutch his hair tighter, and Evan trembled with Connor, uncertain of what to do. He concentrated hard, reaching out. 

He touched Connor’s hand first, pleased when his fingers didn’t dip through the skin. He rubbed the hand gently, trying to coax the grip to loosen. Connor trembled even more, but remained asleep. 

The grip loosened, and Evan was able to pull the strands from Connor’s hand. Some of the strands had been pulled out. He frowned when a small clump of hair fell from the back of Connor’s head.

Connor’s hand gripped at his shirt instead, now that he couldn’t grip his hair. It wasn’t much better than before. 

Evan felt distant from his emotions. It was a nice fact of being dead, being distant from the anxiety and fear, but it flipped like a switch and he could suddenly feel _too much_ like lightning had struck him. 

Evan remembered when his mother was still around at night, when he would have nightmares. She would bring him a little bit of hot cocoa, tuck him in, and rub his back and sing until he fell back to sleep. 

He wondered if he could do the same for Connor. 

It took a lot of focus, but Evan managed to press his palm to Connor’s back, rubbing small circles high between his shoulders. Connor tensed and shuddered against the touch, and Evan began to hum. 

The song was just something he remembered from what felt like a lifetime ago, and technically it was. He could feel a strong sense of relief as Connor relaxed beneath his fingertips. He could feel the hum of electricity through the walls, rising with his emotions. 

Evan stayed near Connor for the rest of the night, but he could feel himself fading the longer he touched Connor. 

He was trembling badly by the time Connor woke up, looking more alive than he had since… 

Since? He couldn’t remember a time where Connor looked like he slept through the night. His cheeks were flush with color, unlike the pale and sunken look he sported the previous day. It wasn’t a huge improvement, but it was enough for Evan to notice. 

Maybe just because he was looking for it. 

Evan closed his eyes, exhausted. Everything seemed to dull around him as Connor woke up. Barely an outline of what he was at the start of the night. 

He curled up next to Connor as the other woke up. 

Connor woke slowly, and he felt… rested? Like he’d slept through the night. He took a deep breath, glancing towards the window, still open from the night before. He pulled himself from his bed, shutting the window and moving to turn on his light. 

But nothing happened? 

Suddenly, everything from the day before came rushing back. He hoped the day before was one of his weirder dreams, but no. The glass from his light was still glittering at the center of his room. 

There was a faint shape still curled in his bed. 

Connor shook his head, leaving his room with the clothes from the day before still clinging awkwardly to his body. He yawned, making his way down to the breakfast table, sitting and thumping his head onto the table like he normally did. 

He listened to his family bustling around him, preparing their own breakfasts and clammering about around him, speaking about him like he couldn’t hear what they were saying. He could feel the rage gurgling in his gut, but he just closed his eyes instead of responding. 

He huffed out a breath, burying his face in his arms for a moment before reaching into his pocket and sliding the spare key across the table towards his sister - a compliance… a compromise? 

He just felt exhausted by the whole situation. Not angry anymore, just tired, like the fight had been pulled from his body. He wasn’t sure how long this would last, but it was different. 

Maybe the anger would stay away, at least for the morning, but he hoped this exhaustion would go away. 

For the first time in a long time, Connor felt… calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on like 2 hours of sleep, almost 20 hours after being awake. I'm sorry for any rambling? This is a first draft, so there will be a re-write of this eventually with more coherency. 
> 
> I've finally listened to the cut songs and I'm crying. 
> 
> Come talk to me?   
> Tumblr: [blushing-blue](https://blushing-blue.tumblr.com/)  
> Twitter: [@blushing_blue](https://twitter.com/blushing_blue)  
> I'll try to do requests! Drop me a line lol


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay and that this is so short? A lot of things started happening all at once, but I'll try to have more regular updates, and longer ones! I've already started the next chapter, so that'll be up in a couple days, instead of next saturday.

Connor didn’t go to school that day. 

Sure, he rode with Zoe to the parking lot, walking through the front doors of the school with her. He even nodded when she said she had band practice again that day, and he walked to his first class. 

Before walking right past it and out of the building. 

Through the Humanities corridor, there was an exit. It didn’t lock until the late bell rang, and Connor would definitely leave before then. He didn’t have a good means to get off of campus beyond walking, so walk he did. 

He could walk back to his house. His father was definitely at work already, and his mother had Yoga right when they left, for two hours, then she would read in the park, shop for their groceries, and then return home to clean and cook for the evening. 

It's what she did for as long as he could remember. 

The routine never deviated from the norm for his mother. During her daily reading, she would find all sorts of New and Exciting things to try to try to ‘shake up her day’ or whatever. Either way, she’d be home before school ended. 

So Connor walked, a cigarette hanging loosely from his lips as he did so. 

He found his mind wandering - to Evan. Evan whom he had left curled in his bed that morning. Did ghosts even need sleep? Was Evan just going through the motions of life? Was that was came after death? 

Would he just… stay here, watching his relatives or strangers get on with their lives while he could barely interact? He took a long drag of the cigarette, huffing it out sharply, trying to expel the thoughts with the smoke that he exhaled from his lungs.

Connor wondered if that would happen to him, too. If he would return as a ghost that no one saw, just stuck in the motions of life. Fuck, maybe he was just hallucinating. It wouldn’t be the first time, nor most creative thing his mind came up with. 

But that didn’t explain the urge to drive to Ellison State Park, it didn’t explain how the computers in the library all flickered out or the way his light bulb shattered. 

He could, if he tried, explain away all of it. He went to Ellison State Park to find a new place to escape. The computer lab could have shorted out, they could have turned out the power of the room. He could have shattered the light bulb in a rage. 

He didn’t know. 

He took another long drag before tossing the rest down and crushing the cigarette under the heel of his boot. 

Connor tossed his head back and looked up at the sky. 

It didn’t matter what he did at this point. He would get yelled at if he went home right now, or not. The park wasn’t that far from his house and he could just walk a little further and make it there before his mother and hide in his room until school ended. 

It didn’t matter.  
Nothing mattered. 

Connor pulled himself up from the bench, his shoulders hunching as he walked. 

He lit another cigarette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NaNoWriMo is upon us!! So I'll be using this as a once a week writing goal of 1667 words for each chapter, but my main focus will be original work! I'll be trying to finish my novel during NaNo as well, but I'm bad at focusing on one thing. You can find me on NaNo as [blushingblue](https://nanowrimo.org/participants/blushingblue)


	9. Chapter 9

Evan was waiting for Connor when he returned. The kid was just… sitting there, on Connor’s bed running his hands over the top of the blanket. Connor wondered if he could still feel it, or if he was going through the motions. 

It took Connor clearing his throat to get Evan’s attention, and the ghost startled back, fading almost completely for a moment before flickering back into a more opaque state. 

“You startled me,” Evan wrapped his arms around himself. 

Connor gave him a weird look. “You’re literally a ghost, what could I do to hurt you.” 

Connor ran his hands through his hair. And other time he would have snapped at Evan, yelled at the boy, but he was just tired. He was tired of everything. 

He flopped down next to Evan on the bed, body loose like a puppet with its strings cut, and he stared at the ceiling. 

Evan was quiet next to him. 

Connor took a deep breath, letting it out slow like he was working up the nerves to ask something. He pointedly didn’t look at the ghost boy that sat with him. 

Evan started watching Connor the moment his breathing changed. 

“... What was it like?” Connor asked, softly. The words were rushed, hurried like he was afraid to speak them. Evan leaned forward, brow furrowing. 

He knew exactly what Connor was asking, and he frowned. “Dying?” He asked, though. Stalling? Maybe. He didn’t want to assume, either. The question could be anything, but Evan held his breath waiting for an answer, or he at least went through the motions of it. 

He didn’t have any breath left to hold, after all. 

“Yeah…” 

Connor still wasn’t looking at Evan, eyes fixed on the weird shapes the bumps took above him, tracing out a line of dots like constellations that were too close together. 

Evan scooted closer - Connor was right, he was already dead and nothing Connor could do to him would hurt him, so even if the other lashed out… He didn’t want to think on that too long, though. 

“I don’t, I don’t really remember it? I didn’t even know I was dead at first,” Evan confessed, the frown still evident on his face. Connor didn’t seem to react, still staring blankly up at the ceiling. Evan leaned over the other boy and asked, “Connor?” 

Connor launched himself into a sitting position, Evan passing through him. He shivered a little at the contact, but didn’t speak. 

If he left now, he could smoke a bit before walking in around the time his sister would be home, it would make it less obvious that he skipped, unless the school decided to call his mother again for repeated absences. 

He pushed himself off of the bed and made his way towards the window as he had the night before. Evan followed close behind, following Connor out onto the roof.

“Don’t you have someone else to bother or haunt or whatever? Like your own house?” Connor sounded annoyed, but his voice was low to not alert his mother the floor below them. 

Evan wrapped his arms around himself. “I haven’t seen her, yet,” He told Connor. “She’ll be so sad…” Evan’s voice was quiet and filled with guilt. His shape brightened and solidified a little, and he looked away from Connor for a moment. 

Connor sighed, lighting his joint and taking a long drag from it. 

He couldn’t deal with this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NaNoWriMo started and I am sick! My main focus is getting better and my original novel, but on Saturdays I'll work on Fanfiction instead of my Novel, so this was a short update, cause my fever went back up to 101. It peaked at 103 yesterday, so hopefully it won't go higher than that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the update! Come talk to me on tumblr <3

**Author's Note:**

> this is not beta'd and I wrote it while DJing for a couple friends at 1am. [blushing-blue](https://blushing-blue.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.


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